Heartburn
by Skaz Wolfman
Summary: Roxas is not feeling well, so he goes to see the Organization's official physician: Vexen. He only hopes he doesn't get dissected. And Xion makes a horrible mistake...


_The World That Never Was; The Castle That Never Was; Vexen's Lab:_

"Prepare sample D-6 for microscope analysis, Fourteen," Vexen ordered his assistant as he consulted his checklist.

"Yes sir," she replied.

"And check on the Elixir variant we left cooking overnight," he added.

"Yes sir."

"And check subject S-3's food and water."

"Yes sir."

"And also make a note of S-3's behavior this morning."

"Yes sir."

A memory suddenly sprang to Vexen's mind, a memory that was literally from another life. Without thinking about it, he added, "And don't forget to reticulate the splines."

"Yes…wait, what?" asked Xion, halting in her tracks.

"…nothing," Vexen muttered, "Just making sure you were still paying attention." Had he a heart, he would have blushed a little from embarrassment…actually, if he _did_ have a heart, he would have been Even, and Even would have chuckled just as he did when he saw Ienzo's look the first time he had got him with that one. Vexen shook his head clear; there was no point letting banal recollections of past whimsy distract him from his all-important work. The very future of the Organization hinged upon his work!

Just then, the door to Vexen's laboratory flew upon, and in rushed Roxas. He clutched his chest with one hand, and slammed the door shut behind him with the other. He ran right up to Vexen and stared up at him with wide, fearful eyes. Knowing fully well that Roxas was merely emulating stark terror, Vexen was unperturbed. Or rather, he _was_ perturbed (in a purely intellectual sense), just not by Roxas's appearance. What bothered him was Number Thirteen's unbecoming intrusion into his sacred sanctum of science. Still, imaginary irritation was no excuse to forget one's manners, so Vexen said curtly, "May I help you, Thirteen?"

"I…oh man, I _really_ hope so, Vexen," said Roxas, his voice a mixture of fear and pain. "I'm…my h–I mean…"

"You could maybe tell me _today_ , yes?" Vexen suggested lightly. As lightly as one might tread upon thin ice, if one were foolish enough to do so. Xion knew better than to let anything distract her from the tasks Vexen had set for her while he was watching, but nevertheless she kept her ears open and kept glancing at Roxas, wondering why he was acting so oddly.

"Sorry," said Roxas, taking a deep breath, which led to him wincing and rubbing his chest some more. "Um…before I tell you, can you promise me something?"

Vexen felt that if his patience could wear thin, it would be doing so now. Still, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't a little bit curious what could cause such an unusual deviation from Thirteen's typical behavior. It wasn't like him to emulate fear, for one thing, and he was usually a lot more blunt about what was on his mind. "Such as?" Vexen inquired, deciding to humor the neophyte…for science.

"Promise you…wait…" Roxas screwed up his face in concentration, "Promise me that I won't be dissected. Not by anybody, or anything, or any Nobody for that matter, or otherwise invasively operated upon for any reason other than fixing my problem, and even then only if it's the only possible way and _even then_ not in a manner that threatens my existence. And that I won't be deliberately sent out on a suicide mission so my remains can be studied afterwards."

Upon hearing this, Xion couldn't help but stop doing what she was doing so she could pay more attention to Roxas's predicament. Vexen, for his own part, was mildly impressed (again, purely in the intellectual sense) that Thirteen had so thoroughly worked that out. Also, he was definitely a lot more curious now. "Very well, I promise everything you just said. And since you seem to have forgotten, Nobodies don't leave remains. If you were to be dissected, you would have to be kept alive through it," Vexen said, affecting a smile in response to Roxas's horrified expression.

"Oh…right…" Roxas mumbled. He cleared his throat (and winced again) and said, "So I woke up this–"

"Hold on," said Vexen, "Am I correct in assuming that you're here about some kind of medical complication?"

"Yeah…you _are_ the Organization's…uh, what was that word Saïx used?" Roxas asked himself.

"Physician?" Vexen suggested.

"Yeah, that's it. Saïx said you're the–"

"Organization's physician, yes," said Vexen impatiently, "We've established that. Sit down," he ordered as a Creeper sprang up out of the floor and contorted into the shape of three-legged stool. Looking a little uneasy, Roxas nevertheless sat down as commanded, while Vexen grabbed a notepad and a pen, pulled up a rolling chair, and sat down in front of him. "Now then, what are your symptoms?"

"My what?" Roxas asked.

"Fourteen, when you're done–get back to work, by the way," said Vexen without looking up. Xion 'eep'-ed and got back to it. "As I was saying, when you're done take one of my spare dictionaries to Thirteen's room. In the meantime," he returned to addressing Roxas, "What I mean by 'symptom' is what is wrong with you? What makes you think you're ill?"

"Oh. Well…like I said, when I woke up this morning–"

"Do you think you could just tell me what's wrong with your body without having to regale me with the no-doubt _riveting_ anecdote of how you came to realize something was wrong at all, hmm?"

"Uh…"

Vexen sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Never mind. Continue your anecdote, Thirteen."

"My what?"

"The _story_. You woke up this morning, and then what?" asked Vexen, who was sorely tempted to snap.

"Well that's what I've been trying to tell you this whole time!" said Roxas, throwing his hands up. Then he gave a strangled gasp and started breathing weirdly. "But you keep interrupting me. Axel told me you were big on manners, so what's with that?"

"Just…tell me what's wrong, yes?" groaned Vexen.

"Okay, so I–"

"YES! We have _thoroughly_ established that you woke up this morning, as I'm sure you do _every_ morning," Vexen seethed, "Kindly move on to whenever you first noticed that your body was out of sorts, please-and-thank-you-very-little!"

Roxas pouted, something he had learned from Demyx. "You don't have to bite my head off, Mr. Four, sir." He remembered Axel telling him that a little deference went a long way with the Chilly Academic. When Vexen's expression smoothed over, and the corner of his mouth even twitched up a little in satisfaction, Roxas continued. "So I didn't notice anything was wrong until I was halfway through my breakfast…uh, do you need to know what I ate today?" he asked.

"Maybe. Proceed with your story, and when you're done I'll ask about anything that I think might be a factor."

"Uh, okay then. Anyways, I was halfway through my breakfast when I realized there was this…this burning feeling right here," he rubbed at his chest, faux-fear creeping back into his voice. "I tried to ignore it at first, but it got worse so I ditched the rest of my food and went straight to the Grey Area to get my mission for the day. I guess I kind of figured it would go away on its own, but it only got more painful so I didn't even bother doing my bonus objectives. I just finished the main objective as fast as I could, but it took forever because I kept having to stop…anyways, when I was finally done I went straight to meet up with Axel like every other day, thinking maybe since it felt like my insides were burning maybe I just needed some ice cream, you know? That makes sense, right?"

"A reasonable hypothesis for someone who knows nothing about medicine, I suppose," Vexen agreed. He was pretty sure Roxas just had heartburn, but he was still curious about why the young Keyblade wielder was so freaked out about it, and why he thought he might be dissected.

"But the ice cream didn't really help. I mean, the cold numbed the pain for a little while, but by the time we got back to the castle the burning was back and _even worse_ , so I told Axel about it. So then he told me that I had heartburn, and that I should see you about it, but before I could ask him more Saïx told him that he needed to go straight back out to recon some new kind of Heartless that showed up in Halloween Town, and then Saïx went to go look over everyone else's mission reports, so I went to look for someone to ask what heartburn was, and the first person I found who wasn't busy was Xigbar–"

' _I have a feeling that everything is about to make sense,'_ thought Vexen.

"–and he told me that heartburn is just what it sounds like; it means your heart is burning. And I said, 'But Xigbar, I don't _have_ a heart.' And he said, 'That's right, you don't. So you'd better not tell Vexen about it, or he'll want to dissect you to find out what's up.' So I was going to keep this to myself and try sleeping it off, but I _can't_ fall asleep while my chest is hurting like this, so…here I am," Roxas finished nervously. Or at least, he _appeared_ to be nervous. "Uh, you're still not going to have me dissected, right?"

"Of course not," said Vexen, shaking his head, "There's no point dissecting someone over a simple case of common heartburn."

"But I–"

"Don't have a heart, yes," Vexen confirmed, "First of all, the term 'heartburn' is a misnomer–that means it's misleading–for you see, it has nothing to do with the heart. It's an irritation of the esophagus–that's the tube that funnels food from your throat to your stomach–caused by–" and here Vexen launched into a very involved and clinical explanation that went completely over Roxas's poor widdle head, even though the older Nobody stopped to define every word that had more than three syllables in it. "And if you had understood _half_ of what I just said, you would not find it surprising that the leading cause of heartburn in individuals not especially susceptible to the affliction is overconsumption of spicy food. What did you eat yesterday?"

It took Roxas a few minutes to realize that that last sentence had been composed entirely of words he knew, and then he considered the answer. "Uh, yesterday…I had jelly on toast and a mango with a glass of chocolate milk for breakfast, I snacked on a bag of sour cream and cheddar flavored potato chips during my mission, I had a sea-salt ice cream bar after my mission, I had beef ramen and a grape soda for lunch, and…uh…oh yeah, a chicken pot pie for dinner. With apple cider. Oh, and around midnight I went to the bathroom, and on my way back I ran into Axel and he asked if I wanted to join him for a midnight snack."

"And? Did you?"

"Yes…"

"…and…what was it?"

"…"

"Number Thirteen," Vexen said patiently, "I can't help you if you don't tell me everything. And if I can't help you then _you're wasting my valuable and irreplaceable time_!"

"Three-alarm chili!" Roxas cried out, tumbling to the floor as the Creeper he'd been sitting on jumped and bolted at Vexen's sudden outburst.

"Oh really?"

"…it might have been four-alarm chili…"

Vexen raised an eyebrow.

"Okay! It was five-alarm chili! And I went back for seconds! And, um, possibly thirds…"

Vexen's left eye started twitching. "You had _three_ helpings of Number Eight's Five-Alarm Midnight Special?"

"Yes, sir," said Roxas shamefully, looking down between his legs.

Vexen stood up and walked over to a nearby cabinet and started rifling through its contents. "If it's any consolation–not that emotionless beings such as ourselves need consoling–about six years ago Number Nine made the same mistake, except he only had two helpings, and he wound up for all intents and purposes _glued_ to a toilet for the better part of a week. And he adamantly believed his chest was going to _explode_. All things considered, I'd say you got off easy. Your gastrointestinal fortitude must be second only to Eight himself. Here," he said as he handed Roxas the small bottle of tonic he'd been searching for, along with a sterile teaspoon. "Drink this in two teaspoonful doses every three hours until the bottle is gone. The pain should go away after the first dose, but that's just the anesthetic element taking effect; your symptoms _will_ return if you don't use it all. If the pain doesn't go away after the first dose, _do not_ deviate from my instructions, as too much of this tonic at once can be severely detrimental to your well-being; particularly, it can cause long-term damage to the lining of your esophagus. If the pain comes back after the bottle is gone you can come to me for a refill, but I'm sure even you can figure that much out, yes?"

Roxas stood up and accepted the bottle. "Thanks…Vexen."

"Thanks are for sentimentalists which, by definition, we are not," said Vexen, who had already turned his back to Roxas and went back to studying his clipboard. "I am only fulfilling one of my many crucial functions as a member of the Organization."

"Right…well, see you later, then," said Roxas as he turned and started towards the door. Some instinct passed on from the Other that he couldn't remember told him that medicine was to be taken in private, so he planned to go straight to his room. Halfway to the door, however, he heard Vexen shout for him to stop.

He turned apprehensively to find Vexen running over to him with something in his hand, which he thrust out at Roxas. "I'd almost forgotten; it has, after all, been some time since I had to treat a child."

Roxas accepted the whatever-it-was. It was a small hard disc with multicolored swirls on a thin white stick, wrapped in plastic. In response to Roxas's blank look, Vexen said, "It's a lollipop. Physicians traditionally give them to children they've treated. Zexion, Number Seven, Number Eight, and Number Nine have long since grown too old to be considered children–Eight and Nine's behavior notwithstanding–so I haven't had to give one out in quite a while."

Roxas blinked. "Why?" he asked.

Vexen blinked. " _Why_? What do you mean 'why'?" he asked. "It's…it's a _lollipop_. Physicians give children lollipops. That's just how it's done. It's tradition!"

Roxas blinked. Vexen rolled his eyes and snatched the lollipop back, tore the plastic wrapping off, and shoved the candy into Roxas's mouth. After another second of dumb staring, Roxas's eyes widened. " _That_ is why," Vexen explained, "Now do please get _out_ of my laboratory and go take your medicine and _please_ get better so that you don't have to bother me again anytime in the near future, yes?"

Roxas nodded quickly and said "Thanks," around his lollipop, and then dashed out of the lab before the Chilly Academic saw fit to rescind his sweet-tasting gift.

Vexen heaved a sigh of faux-relief and turned around to return to work. And his eyes fell upon Xion, who had began investigating the box of lollipops that Vexen had pulled out of the mothballs, as it were, tasted one, and wound up cramming five into her mouth at the same time. For a moment the scientist and his assistant stared at each other, the former staring in what would have been shock and outrage under more typical circumstances, and the latter staring more like a deer caught in headlights. "Just _what_ do you think you are doing, Number Fourteen?" Vexen inquired in his iciest tone of voice.

After a pregnant pause, Xion carefully removed the lollipops from her mouth and said, "Reticulating splines, sir?"

…

 _RIMSHOT!_

A/N: This ficlet was born from several mental images and inspiring thoughts; someone from Organization XIII having a misunderstanding involving an ailment with the word 'heart' in it, Vexen playing Doctor, Vexen shoving a lollipop into someone's mouth, a Creeper being used as a seat (yes, seriously), and a burning desire to fit the phrase 'reticulating splines' into a story. Don't worry, Vexen didn't come down on Xion too hard; he just made her replace all the lollipops out of her own pocket. And then maybe made her clean all of their test subjects' cages as well as Demyx's bathroom…but hey, it could have been worse? He could have locked her in a cell with a red mountain lion-looking thing with a burning tail…

(Yes, Vexen gives me Professor Hojo flashbacks, leave me alone.)

On a curious side note, by the time I was done writing this I felt like I had overused the word 'even' in this story, but when I looked I found that, not counting the two Evens, I only used 'even' seven times, which doesn't sound like as much as I had thought. I don't know, maybe I just had Even on my mind. For some reason, I find Even the most fascinating out of all the Nobodies' Others. While, third most fascinating, after Ienzo and…well, hell, you know…Lea.

Anyways, leave a review! If this story gets enough of a positive response, maybe I'll write some more.

Author Out.


End file.
